‘Thin slicing’ is a methodology created by John Gottman that sifts through the information that’s presented before us in human interaction; extracting the relevant, catching quick glimpses of emotion that may last less than a second and ignoring the rest. It has become to many what body language was in the 80’s except with more research, refinement and context. Thin slicing is a scientific method to what our sub-conscious does quite well on its own at times.

During his research Gottman has come to claim that there are four emotions/actions that are more damaging to relationship (in his case he was studying couples) than any others. He calls these the four horseman:

• defensiveness
• stonewalling
• criticism
• contempt

The most damaging he has found is contempt and he defines contempt as an action/emotion that belittles the person’s value. He has seen repeatedly cases where even in rational conversations with little apparent heat on the surface that the sender’s inner thoughts that their person is of lesser or little value are betrayed.

I should add that I don’t believe that these are  deal breaker emotions that will destroy a relationship as they may flare up in many circumstances of anger or they may be an inside joke for some people. Rather, they a sign posts that something is wrong and will be very destructive if repeated too often, with too much intensity or without proper balance from positive emotions (I’ve heard the ratio 5 positive emotions to every one of these negative ones balances things out in seminars before).

So what has this got to do with working with out customers/clients? Well, a relationship is a relationship and while our relationship with clients is not as intense or important as a relationship with our partners, the same issues can break down respect, trust and communication.

So why not take a minutes to think through your week:

• Did you have any of the 4 horseman emotions/actions toward someone (even for a short time)?
• How is that relationship going?
• Is it possible that where it’s not going so great it’s cause they have picked up on that emotion from you?

Picture by Rich Man