Name: Chris
Posts by chrisw:
- defensiveness
- stonewalling
- criticism
- contempt
- Did you have any of the 4 horseman emotions/actions toward someone (even for a short time)?
- How is that relationship going?
- Is it possible that where it’s not going so great it’s cause they have picked up on that emotion from you?
- Have you noticed how mentally exhausted some candidates get after attending interviews or other tasks that are new to them?
- I wonder how many times clients have shut down simply cause it seemed there was too much to be done?
- How many times have I expected too much from a candidate simply because it was a task I could do easily (either through more practice or natural skill) and thus expected it to be an easy task for them as well?
The 4 Horsemen of Relationship Apocalypse
October 30th, 2009
‘Thin slicing’ is a methodology created by John Gottman that sifts through the information that’s presented before us in human interaction; extracting the relevant, catching quick glimpses of emotion that may last less than a second and ignoring the rest. It has become to many what body language was in the 80’s except with more research, refinement and context. Thin slicing is a scientific method to what our sub-conscious does quite well on its own at times.
During his research Gottman has come to claim that there are four emotions/actions that are more damaging to relationship (in his case he was studying couples) than any others. He calls these the four horseman:
The most damaging he has found is contempt and he defines contempt as an action/emotion that belittles the person’s value. He has seen repeatedly cases where even in rational conversations with little apparent heat on the surface that the sender’s inner thoughts that their person is of lesser or little value are betrayed.
I should add that I don’t believe that these are deal breaker emotions that will destroy a relationship as they may flare up in many circumstances of anger or they may be an inside joke for some people. Rather, they a sign posts that something is wrong and will be very destructive if repeated too often, with too much intensity or without proper balance from positive emotions (I’ve heard the ratio 5 positive emotions to every one of these negative ones balances things out in seminars before).
So what has this got to do with working with out customers/clients? Well, a relationship is a relationship and while our relationship with clients is not as intense or important as a relationship with our partners, the same issues can break down respect, trust and communication.
So why not take a minutes to think through your week:
Picture by Rich Man
Free Will and Motivation
October 23rd, 2009
I was considering this week the role of free will. I believe it is a critical part of who we are and what we do. Even those more inclined to fatalism will feel mistreated if their freedom of choice or decision making is restricted. Relationships, actions and rewards are the three areas in which I’ve been considering this dynamic most of the week.
Relationships
Free will is essential for good relationships. Except in extreme cases, true connection, kindness, love, etc. between people can only be fostered and developed where the individual feels that they have a choice in the matter. Any other option may generate compliance, which at times may be necessary, but it will never develop a trusting and safe relationship. The question is whether or not compliance or trust is most needed at this point with any particular client.
Action
When free will is taken from an individual they may comply, faking the necessary actions at worst or, at best, completing the task begrudgingly. Even if the task was completed satisfactorily a person forced into action will not gain the benefit of an action, merely the result. As such, forcing an individual to make x number of phone calls will mean that they might make the phone calls but either do them badly or not learn from the actually process even if they do reap something beneficial from the results.
I must mention that I see following directions or instruction as different from forcing someone. When you have an individuals respect you can instruct them to make x number of phone calls and while they don’t like it they may still do it and do it with similar benefits of it being a free choice. The difference is when that respect, awareness of why, etc. is missing that it becomes forced and feels as though the free will is taken. I do also feel that at times compliance is necessary but it should not be the first attitude we aim to cultivate.
Rewards/Achievement
Rewards are enjoyed much more when the person freely chooses to participate. The individual can then take pride in their actions, can account to others about the effort they put in to gain the achievement or reward, can balance the equation of ‘effort=result’ that many of us are taught. Where an action is forced this is often taken away from an individual as they feel that they can’t take as much credit, if they do happen to be successful. They did the action but they haven’t participated mentally as deeply as someone who acted out of free will. Hence they can enjoy the achievement but can sometimes find it hard to claim the ‘effort=result’ equation as their effort and force of mind was probably moving in the opposite reaction.
Picture by Gisela Giardino
When all else fails…what next?
October 6th, 2009
The idea for this post actually comes from my husband. As I’ve posted before, he has been unemployed since June 2008. Just so you don’t think he’s a slug, he has been unemployed as an artist in the giftware/greeting card industry for over 30 years. He’s never been unemployed before. His previous employer did a company reorg and his job was eliminated. He knows his industry and is quite talented. So does he take just any old job? My answer—not if he doesn’t have to! But he’s getting a bit discouraged.
Here’s his question—When he’s tried everything the “experts” have suggested and still nothing works—what does he do next? Keep in mind he’s married to me and I’ve offered my share of advice! To give you a sense of what he HAS done…here’s the list in a nutshell…made cold calls to employers, gotten names of hiring managers when a position is open and made a “sell yourself over the phone” call, attended many seminars on successful job searching, had experts review and update his resume, has a pretty good LinkedIn profile that he’s actively using and been to a workshop in upgrading those skills, attends a weekly job search networking group in his field, returning to school to upgrade his computer skills, tailors all correspondence to specific job. There’s more, but you get the idea. His isn’t just sitting around waiting for the job fairy to show up! He feels stuck and out of creative ideas.
Believe it or not—I’m a bit stumped myself. That’s why I thought this was a great subject for my post this week. He has a couple of big things that are stopping/hindering his process. 1) The giftware industry is at a virtual standstill. Nobody is buying cutsey dust catchers—they’re paying their mortgage and buying food for their family. 2) He’s no spring chicken. Do the math. He started working straight out of college and has been employed for over 35 years. Before the economic downturn, he was seeing retirement in less than 5 years. He fears he’s being discriminated against and that’s tough to prove. He’s smart, articulate and interviews extremely well. He’s kept in great shape and has outside interests that keep his energy and enthusiasm high.
I admire him as he has kept a fairly positive attitude through all of this. I must admit, it has been nice to come home to a lovely meal I didn’t have to fix and to have extra help with chore around the house, but it’s important he continue to feel like a productive contributing member of the family and society.
So what does he do when all the expert advice he’s received doesn’t work? Your ideas?
Photo by Divya and Deepak (Nimbu)
Brain Strain
October 2nd, 2009
In a recent interview 2 scientists were discussing the extent and capability of the the human brain. The first had just completed a study of multi-tasking while the second discussed the scope of brain function.
Regarding multi-tasking the interviewed expert expressed how, while our society requires a higher degree of multi-tasking than ever before, humans were not adapting to this need. In fact, their performance of tasks practiced during multi-tasking deteriorated, even when asked to complete the task without distraction.
The second expert agreed that we are, at times, expecting too much from our brains for peak performance, stating that there is a threshold at which our brains function. He stated that if we were asked to square 324 it would take the full capacity for most people to accurately solve the equation. Of course, we all find some things harder than others but he was basically saying that the brain only has a limited amount of brain power it can push out just as house wiring can only take a certain amount of electricity. Different tasks will obviously tax different brains, different amounts but there is a limit.
Photo by Jean-Etienne Minh-Duy Poirrier
Transformations
September 25th, 2009
Roughly 2 weeks ago I got a caterpiller, adding plenty of milkweed it was placed carefully in a clear container and when I awoke the next morning it had wrapped itself in its chrysalis, topped off with a beautiful gold thread towards the top.
A couple of days ago, the butterfly emerged from it’s chrysalis, took a few hours to dry its wings and get its bearings before flying off with a degree of grace that would make you think that it had flown many times before.
I know that the chrysalis experience has been used for eons to describe change and metamorphosis but what truly captured my attention this time was 2 points regarding, not the degree of change, but the circumstances under which the change was made.
1. The chrysalis was smaller than I could imagine the caterpillar could have fit into, and yet not only did it fit but it made such a drastic transformation in this tiny space. When we modern humans look for change we so often seek a new, spacious and comfortable place or method to do so but history tells us that many historical figures became who they were by limiting their circumstances, rather than seeking escape. For ourselves and those we assist, do we look for the escape route first or is there something we need to do within the current circumstances before moving on?
2. Then there was the waiting. For about 10 days there seemed to be no movement or sign of change. I know I’m guilty, as an innovator, of thinking that unless I see the change then it’s not occurring or forgetting that change can be a slow process. I was reminded however, that in the lives of our clients that, so often, change occurs after a culmination of slight mind/action adjustments that then create an avalanche of change. The small mindset changes may be occurring from one day to the next but they are small and easily missed until that critical mass occurs and everything starts to fit into place.
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Job Advertisements
September 18th, 2009
I’ve seen a few comments in the last week regarding job advertisements and what criteria should be used to decide whether or not to apply for a given position. Perhaps one day I’ll write a more complete article on what to consider but for now I want to give some grey to a black and white perspective.
Repeatedly I’ve seen the advice that if you don’t match the criteria the employer is asking for then don’t waste your time applying. A statement with which I disagree. Here are a few reasons why:
Employer Intentions – Consider for a moment the intentions of the employer when writing a job description, they are looking for the ultimate fit and the advertisement refkects this. While in the current climate that fit may be easier to find, the perfect employee is not always available and the other factors listed below may contribute to someone who is not exactly as requested getting the job.
Imperfect criteria – A job advertisement often contains a clear list of skills, abilities while the human characteristics are vague and ill-defined. As a simple example, “competent in Word, Excel and team player”, someone who has excellent Word skills, good attitude and network, is a team player, can articulate a plan on how they will develop Excel skills and perhaps is even willing to start out at a slightly lower pay rate may be selected over someone who has all the requirements but is asking too much money and has presentation or attitude issues. When it comes to the interview a perfect match on paper can look less appealing.
People Learn – If a job seeker can prove that although they do not currently have a set skill but can develop it or an alternative that still allows quality work to be completed they may also be a better choice than the perfect on-paper choice. It takes any new employee time to come up to full speed and so it’s best to have a plan to remedy inconsistencies with the job descriptions as soon as possible when this transition would be affecting any of the employer’s choices.
Paper vs reality – As a career counsellor/coach I often remind job seekers that a resume gets you an interview but in most cases won’t secure you the job. This occurs because employers know that a resume can’t fully represent a person and that a resume is a perfected (hopefully) image of the individual. We should, I believe, take the same attitude to job advertisements. Job advertisements can never fully reflect what the job is really like and is most likely a simplified and perfected image of what is desired.
I’m not advocating that the skills and abilities in job advertisements be ignored, rather that the attitude that stops job seekers, especially the difficult to place, from applying for certain jobs because they don’t perfectly match be abondoned for a reasoned approach.
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Snakes
September 11th, 2009
I’m still getting use to the fact that here in Wisconsin snakes aren’t anywhere near the source of concern that snakes in Australia are. When I see a snake here, I now know intellectually that in most cases I have nothing to fear as I watch them slide away. In Australia however, more than half of the snakes I’ve seen in the wild have the potential to kill or at very least require urgent medical attention. I know this and yet in that initial second of seeing a snake here might heart still races just a little.
Maybe you don’t like snakes either, not because you fear they might harm you but because you’ve had a feeling that they are creepy or scary for so long and that’s become your default perspective. It’s not the snakes fault, it’s our conditioned responses and the snake doesn’t have the ability to turn around and explain itself.
This effect happens so frequently with job seekers, through their past experiences they can misperceive those trying to assist them. Even if they haven’t necessarily had a bad experience in the past, their inner dialogue about what it means to be receiving such assistance can evoke regret, fear, shame, pain, sadness and the resulting emotionally charged behaviours.
The difference is we can work with and explain why we are doing what we are doing. We can involve them in how we work and explain why this would be beneficial. We can also stop and try to understand where such fears and concerns are coming from and adjust the methodologies that we might utilise.
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Currency
August 27th, 2009
Photo by Philip Brewer
We all work for different reasons and we are all motivated by different things. I know this is stating the obvious but not understanding the emotional/psychological currency and denominations used by co-workers, job seekers, managers, etc. can be a source of great frustration.
The currency used by an individual will show your knowledge of the individual as well as their culture. If I was to take some of the Australian money I have with me to make a purchase at a local store here in the U.S. the staff would look at me incredulously, and with good reason. Presenting the wrong currency would instantly show, at very least, a lack of understanding about the culture I’m in and a lack of understanding regarding the flow of value. At worst, I could appear pompous and arrogant, especially if I insisted the store take Australian currency.
So it is with people we work with, a lack of understanding about the emotional currency the person works in shows that you don’t understand them and their culture. There will always be limits to working within another’s currency but the closer we get the more co-operation and productivity we’ll foster.
For me purpose, encouragement and the freedom to create are worth more than money (as my work history will attest). Therefore, if an employer was trying to encourage me in my job, of course I’ll take money because it still has value and is useful to me, but encouragement and allowing my creativity to operate on the job will get you further than money will.
But currency is only part of this idea. To truly become a master in this area you must also consider the denominations used. Take my example of being motivated by encouragement, if you offer abounding praise and encouragement for the smallest job I’ll either assume that the currency is foreign to you and so you wield it ineffectively or you don’t value what you have to offer. It’s akin to offering $200 for a stick of gum, you’re either insane, desperate, don’t value your money or have too much of it. I’ll take your $200 but you won’t get any points regarding trust, decision making, etc.
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When all else fails…
August 14th, 2009
When all else fails… the next words that normally follow are life giving, meant to protect and sustain us but when you need to hear them most the end of the sentence seems to fade away in an uncertainty of how to complete it. What happens when we hit the end of our rope? Do you run to friends, seek solitude, refocus, cry, rent a good comedy to watch or simply take a deep breath and rethink things.
As professionals I’ve always taught that we should be very aware of our limits and how to recharge but I’ve also recently realized how easy that is to be simply words and plans. Do you know what recharges you and how close to your limits (an empty emotional bucket or bank account) that you are? If not, now is the time to make sure you consider it.
But what about our candidates? If the options are endless as to how we are replenished we shouldn’t be surprised that when working with candidates that they will also have a variety of responses. What works for us won’t always work with them. A typical example is space or time to process. If you need space when stressed you’ll probably give people space when you see they are going through a difficult time or vice-versa, if you need people interactions more, you may not give space to someone who may well need it more than anything else at the moment.
Job searching is most often stressful. Knowing the breaking points, the frustrations and also the modes of restoration can make all the difference in sustaining your relationship with your candidates and the candidates themselves.
Photo by Erich Ferdinand
Liar for Hire
July 17th, 2009
Yesterday, I received a tweet that knocked me back for a while from @crisjobcoach. It was a link to a website called ‘Career Excuse’ and the service they offered was fake references, work history, etc. to “help” someone basically cheat employers (the site was actually called Career Cheat at one stage).
At first I was shocked, then I thought about it for a while, maybe it’s some huge elaborate joke. Satire gone awry. Well, only one way to find out … so I gave them a call. I left a message and about an hour later received a return call.
I soon discovered it’s not a fake or dubious satire, as the owner apologised for taking time to get back to me as he was busy taking the priority of employers calls who were calling to check references (I doubt this). For sixty odd dollars they would collect my social security number (insert warning bells here) and the details I wanted to fake and provide me with fake names and real phone numbers to give out to employers so that when they called the number this group would answer and pretend to be an HR department to confirm your work history, etc. Need an international reference? That’s fine, I was told, they could set up on a faked company website a regional office in Australia for me. The owner has put some effort into this leaving at least one message on job search discussion boards posing as a job seeker and asking if he should take advantage of the service.
I’m not completely surprised. <soapbox>It doesn’t surprise me that someone is willing to lie, I’ve had to combat this sort of panic in job seekers in the past but what did surprise me is that someone would charge for it and, whether consciously or not, provide such a damaging practice to the more disadvantaged who this is far more likely to attract. Imagine the trouble one of your job seekers would be in if not only did they use this ’service’ and get caught. Not only would they likely be fired but what reference is that employer going to give any future employers. Even credible references from that point become tainted.</soapbox>
What shall we do? Sure, I want to shut the thing down if I could but it seems unlikely that I can do that. What I can do, however, is to make sure I do a great job assisting my job seekers with good answers to difficult questions, addressing barriers effectively, designing an achievable career path and developing a real network. In doing this their fears should be reduced, a joint and achievable plan clearly laid out and, through strengths identification and encouragement, there is no need for them to resort to such tactics. This is not wishful thinking or impractical. It’s just what we do.
P.S. I do have the full name, contact details and typical username of the owner if someone knows of an authority that could deal with this.
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