During his research Gottman has come to claim that there are four emotions/actions that are more damaging to relationship (in his case he was studying couples) than any others. He calls these the four horseman:

• defensiveness
• stonewalling
• criticism
• contempt

The most damaging he has found is contempt and he defines contempt as an action/emotion that belittles the person’s value. He has seen repeatedly cases where even in rational conversations with little apparent heat on the surface that the sender’s inner thoughts that their person is of lesser or little value are betrayed.

I should add that I don’t believe that these are  deal breaker emotions that will destroy a relationship as they may flare up in many circumstances of anger or they may be an inside joke for some people. Rather, they a sign posts that something is wrong and will be very destructive if repeated too often, with too much intensity or without proper balance from positive emotions (I’ve heard the ratio 5 positive emotions to every one of these negative ones balances things out in seminars before).

So what has this got to do with working with out customers/clients? Well, a relationship is a relationship and while our relationship with clients is not as intense or important as a relationship with our partners, the same issues can break down respect, trust and communication.

So why not take a minutes to think through your week:

• Did you have any of the 4 horseman emotions/actions toward someone (even for a short time)?
• How is that relationship going?
• Is it possible that where it’s not going so great it’s cause they have picked up on that emotion from you?

Picture by Rich Man

Relationships

Free will is essential for good relationships. Except in extreme cases, true connection, kindness, love, etc. between people can only be fostered and developed where the individual feels that they have a choice in the matter. Any other option may generate compliance, which at times may be necessary, but it will never develop a trusting and safe relationship. The question is whether or not compliance or trust is most needed at this point with any particular client.

Action

When free will is taken from an individual they may comply, faking the necessary actions at worst or, at best, completing the task begrudgingly. Even if the task was completed satisfactorily a person forced into action will not gain the benefit of an action, merely the result. As such, forcing an individual to make x number of phone calls will mean that they might make the phone calls but either do them badly or not learn from the actually process even if they do reap something beneficial from the results.

I must mention that I see following directions or instruction as different from forcing someone. When you have an individuals respect you can instruct them to make x number of phone calls and while they don’t like it they may still do it and do it with similar benefits of it being a free choice. The difference is when that respect, awareness of why, etc. is missing that it becomes forced and feels as though the free will is taken. I do also feel that at times compliance is necessary but it should not be the first attitude we aim to cultivate.

Rewards/Achievement

Rewards are enjoyed much more when the person freely chooses to participate. The individual can then take pride in their actions, can account to others about the effort they put in to gain the achievement or reward, can balance the equation of ‘effort=result’ that many of us are taught. Where an action is forced this is often taken away from an individual as they feel that they can’t take as much credit, if they do happen to be successful. They did the action but they haven’t participated mentally as deeply as someone who acted out of free will. Hence they can enjoy the achievement but can sometimes find it hard to claim the ‘effort=result’ equation as their effort and force of mind was probably moving in the opposite reaction.

Picture by Gisela Giardino

No, I’m not talking about my house or my backside. I’m talking about the word I’ve heard and have been using with my clients that I never imagined I would use—it’s okay to “settle” for less! In the old days, the days where jobs were easier to come by and people could hold out for their “dream” job, I would rarely encourage people to “settle” or take a job just to take a job. With the economic downturn, employers becoming lean and mean, the job search process becoming longer and tougher, I don’t encourage my clients to turn down a job offer when it isn’t in their area of interest or the “dream” match. If it means they keep their house or car and have to work a job that may not be the best match, I vote with keeping the house and paying the bills. I don’t like it but I like even less the idea of my clients going deeper in debt while they wait.

So what can we do to keep the dream alive when the client may have to take a survival job?

• Help clients discover positive support groups to join.
• Encourage them to engage in some type of healthy activity that allows them to give back or help others.
• Do things to stay healthy—it’s tough to job search and maintain employment when you’re sick.
• Hold them accountable for their job search and don’t let them slide just to be nice.
• Discover ways to help them think outside of their box or industry.
• Tap into other agencies that can help them retrain or go back to school. There’s pockets of money out there for people to return to school. Find them.
• Teach them how to use LinkedIn or other networking sites that can link them with industries or people that can help them discover job leads.
• Help them identify their network. They may think they don’t have one, but they do.
• Teach them how to use their network.

One last thought, maybe “settling’ can actually turn into a dream job. If clients take a “settle” job, help them see the positives in the job and how they are gaining new skills that will make them more employable when their industry recovers and things turn around—as they will.

What are you doing to help clients get through these tough times?

Photo by Bernard Pollack

]]> http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/settling/feed/ 0 http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/what-next/ http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/what-next/#comments Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:40:50 +0000 Chris Webster http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/?p=1232 The idea for this post actually comes from my husband. As I’ve posted before, he has been unemployed since June 2008. Just so you don’t think he’s a slug, he has been unemployed as an artist in the giftware/greeting card industry for over 30 years. He’s never been unemployed before. His previous employer did a company reorg and his job was eliminated. He knows his industry and is quite talented. So does he take just any old job? My answer—not if he doesn’t have to! But he’s getting a bit discouraged.

The idea for this post actually comes from my husband. As I’ve posted before, he has been unemployed since June 2008. Just so you don’t think he’s a slug, he has been unemployed as an artist in the giftware/greeting card industry for over 30 years. He’s never been unemployed before. His previous employer did a company reorg and his job was eliminated. He knows his industry and is quite talented. So does he take just any old job? My answer—not if he doesn’t have to! But he’s getting a bit discouraged.

Here’s his question—When he’s tried everything the “experts” have suggested and still nothing works—what does he do next? Keep in mind he’s married to me and I’ve offered my share of advice! To give you a sense of what he HAS done…here’s the list in a nutshell…made cold calls to employers, gotten names of hiring managers when a position is open and made a “sell yourself over the phone” call, attended many seminars on successful job searching, had experts review and update his resume, has a pretty good LinkedIn profile that he’s actively using and been to a workshop in upgrading those skills, attends a weekly job search networking group in his field, returning to school to upgrade his computer skills, tailors all correspondence to specific job. There’s more, but you get the idea. His isn’t just sitting around waiting for the job fairy to show up! He feels stuck and out of creative ideas.

Believe it or not—I’m a bit stumped myself. That’s why I thought this was a great subject for my post this week. He has a couple of big things that are stopping/hindering his process. 1)  The giftware industry is at a virtual standstill. Nobody is buying cutsey dust catchers—they’re paying their mortgage and buying food for their family. 2)  He’s no spring chicken. Do the math. He started working straight out of college and has been employed for over 35 years. Before the economic downturn, he was seeing retirement in less than 5 years. He fears he’s being discriminated against and that’s tough to prove. He’s smart, articulate and interviews extremely well. He’s kept in great shape and has outside interests that keep his energy and enthusiasm high.

I admire him as he has kept a fairly positive attitude through all of this. I must admit, it has been nice to come home to a lovely meal I didn’t have to fix and to have extra help with chore around the house, but it’s important he continue to feel like a productive contributing member of the family and society.

So what does he do when all the expert advice he’s received doesn’t work? Your ideas?

Photo by Divya and Deepak (Nimbu)

]]> http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/what-next/feed/ 3 http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/brain-strain/ http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/brain-strain/#comments Fri, 02 Oct 2009 17:34:48 +0000 Chris Webster http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/?p=1228 In a recent interview 2 scientists were discussing the extent and capability of the the human brain. The first had just completed a study of multi-tasking while the second discussed the scope of brain function.

Regarding multi-tasking the interviewed expert expressed how, while our society requires a higher degree of multi-tasking than ever before, humans were not adapting to this need. In fact, their performance of tasks practiced during multi-tasking deteriorated, even when asked to complete the task without distraction.

The second expert agreed that we are, at times, expecting too much from our brains for peak performance, stating that there is a threshold at which our brains function. He stated that if we were asked to square 324 it would take the full capacity for most people to accurately solve the equation. Of course, we all find some things harder than others but he was basically saying that the brain only has a limited amount of brain power it can push out just as house wiring can only take a certain amount of electricity. Different tasks will obviously tax different brains, different amounts but there is a limit.

• Have you noticed how mentally exhausted some candidates get after attending interviews or other tasks that are new to them?
• I wonder how many times clients have shut down simply cause it seemed there was too much to be done?
• How many times have I expected too much from a candidate simply because it was a task I could do easily (either through more practice or natural skill) and thus expected it to be an easy task for them as well?

Photo by Jean-Etienne Minh-Duy Poirrier

]]> http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/brain-strain/feed/ 0 http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/transformations/ http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/transformations/#comments Fri, 25 Sep 2009 14:56:51 +0000 Chris Webster http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/?p=1222 Roughly 2 weeks ago I got a caterpiller, adding plenty of milkweed it was placed carefully in a clear container and when I awoke the next morning it had wrapped itself in its chrysalis, topped off with a beautiful gold thread towards the top.

A couple of days ago, the butterfly emerged from it’s chrysalis, took a few hours to dry its wings and get its bearings before flying off with a degree of grace that would make you think that it had flown many times before.

I know that the chrysalis experience has been used for eons to describe change and metamorphosis but what truly captured my attention this time was 2 points regarding, not the degree of change, but the circumstances under which the change was made.

1. The chrysalis was smaller than I could imagine the caterpillar could have fit into, and yet not only did it fit but it made such a drastic transformation in this tiny space. When we modern humans look for change we so often seek a new, spacious and comfortable place or method to do so but history tells us that many historical figures became who they were by limiting their circumstances, rather than seeking escape. For ourselves and those we assist, do we look for the escape route first or is there something we need to do within the current circumstances before moving on?

2. Then there was the waiting. For about 10 days there seemed to be no movement or sign of change. I know I’m guilty, as an innovator, of thinking that unless I see the change then it’s not occurring or forgetting that change can be a slow process. I was reminded however, that in the lives of our clients that, so often, change occurs after a culmination of slight mind/action adjustments that then create an avalanche of change. The small mindset changes may be occurring from one day to the next but they are small and easily missed until that critical mass occurs and everything starts to fit into place.

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I believe part of my job is to be creative and innovative in my work. What happens when I get stuck, as I often do? Who do I have to talk to or what can I do that kick starts my creative juices? I’m writing about this as right now I feel stuck with what to write so I thought…write about being stuck!

It’s easy to get stuck without realizing you’re stuck. If you’ve been in this field for any length of time you can get comfortable doing things the same way you’ve done it for years or remain in your bubble without getting out into the real world. Every day I challenge my clients to get out of old patterns, consider new careers, go back to school or volunteer. In my mind I think it’s very realistic for them to take on new ideas, try new things or reach out and do something different. But more often than not, they don’t jump out of their comfort zone.

As I reflect on this, it’s no wonder that they don’t. It’s not something I’m comfortable with so why should it make sense and be easy for them. In this economy, stretching, trying new job search techniques is an absolute must for sob seekers. You and I MUST lead the way and push ourselves to sometimes be uncomfortable. It doesn’t automatically happen you have to make it happen! So what can you do? Here are some ideas and I’d love to hear yours:

• Take a class
• Try a new sport
• Go to a job fair even if you’re not looking for work
• Seek out a person you admire and introduce yourself
• Drive or take a new way to work
• Set up an Informational Interview with an employer
• Update YOUR resume
• Learn a new skill

Keep in mind that if you expect your clients to move out of their comfort zone, you have to be willing to do the same.

]]> http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/stuck/feed/ 1 http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/job-as/ http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/job-as/#comments Fri, 18 Sep 2009 15:20:57 +0000 Chris Webster http://www.worknet-international.com/WorkNET/?p=1211 I’ve seen a few comments in the last week regarding job advertisements and what criteria should be used to decide whether or not to apply for a given position. Perhaps one day I’ll write a more complete article on what to consider but for now I want to give some grey to a black and white perspective.

Repeatedly I’ve seen the advice that if you don’t match the criteria the employer is asking for then don’t waste your time applying. A statement with which I disagree. Here are a few reasons why:

Employer Intentions – Consider for a moment the intentions of the employer when writing a job description, they are looking for the ultimate fit and the advertisement refkects this. While in the current climate that fit may be easier to find, the perfect employee is not always available and the other factors listed below may contribute to someone who is not exactly as requested getting the job.

Imperfect criteria – A job advertisement often contains a clear list of skills, abilities while the human characteristics are vague and ill-defined. As a simple example, “competent in Word, Excel and team player”, someone who has excellent Word skills, good attitude and network, is a team player, can articulate a plan on how they will develop Excel skills and perhaps is even willing to start out at a slightly lower pay rate may be selected over someone who has all the requirements but is asking too much money and has presentation or attitude issues. When it comes to the interview a perfect match on paper can look less appealing.

People Learn – If a job seeker can prove that although they do not currently have a set skill but can develop it or an alternative that still allows quality work to be completed they may also be a better choice than the perfect on-paper choice. It takes any new employee time to come up to full speed and so it’s best to have a plan to remedy inconsistencies with the job descriptions as soon as possible when this transition would be affecting any of the employer’s choices.

Paper vs reality – As a career counsellor/coach I often remind job seekers that a resume gets you an interview but in most cases won’t secure you the job. This occurs because employers know that a resume can’t fully represent a person and that a resume is a perfected (hopefully) image of the individual. We should, I believe, take the same attitude to job advertisements. Job advertisements can never fully reflect what the job is really like and is most likely a simplified and perfected image of what is desired.

I’m not advocating that the skills and abilities in job advertisements be ignored, rather that the attitude that stops job seekers, especially the difficult to place, from applying for certain jobs because they don’t perfectly match be abondoned for a reasoned approach.

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I’m still getting use to the fact that here in Wisconsin snakes aren’t anywhere near the source of concern that snakes in Australia are. When I see a snake here, I now know intellectually that in most cases I have nothing to fear as I watch them slide away. In Australia however, more than half of the snakes I’ve seen in the wild have the potential to kill or at very least require urgent medical attention. I know this and yet in that initial second of seeing a snake here might heart still races just a little.

Maybe you don’t like snakes either, not because you fear they might harm you but because you’ve had a feeling that they are creepy or scary for so long and that’s become your default perspective. It’s not the snakes fault, it’s our conditioned responses and the snake doesn’t have the ability to turn around and explain itself.

This effect happens so frequently with job seekers, through their past experiences they can misperceive those trying to assist them. Even if they haven’t necessarily had a bad experience in the past, their inner dialogue about what it means to be receiving such assistance can evoke regret, fear, shame, pain, sadness and the resulting emotionally charged behaviours.

The difference is we can work with and explain why we are doing what we are doing. We can involve them in how we work and explain why this would be beneficial. We can also stop and try to understand where such fears and concerns are coming from and adjust the methodologies that we might utilise.

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I recently began a course to better my career coaching skills. The facilitator asked us to define “intentionality” as it relates to working with job seekers. My first response was FOCUS. Not a tragic thought but as I’ve continued my reflections, I peeled back a few more layers and decided you first must figure out what the focus IS before you can be intentional.

Your focus may be different than that of the job seeker. You may be focused on helping them develop the best possible resume so they can job search and maybe they haven’t job searched in years and don’t even know to use a resume to showcase their skills. It’s no wonder the job seeker may appear uninterested or even angry. As a team, the focus is different. So it would seem the two parties involved need to agree on the focus, then the work that is done can be intentional.

Back up still one more step—to agree on the focus the job seeker and you must figure out the goal. The focus will change depending on the goal. If the goal of the job seeker is to return to school and work part time, how and where they look for employment changes. Goals can be discovered by listening, asking good questions and reflecting back to the job seeker what you’ve heard. Once a goal is determined it’s easier to become focused and intentional.

Your job can actually become easier as well. Between you and the job seeker, you can determine action items that will help reach the goal. So I’m becoming more intentional with the questions I ask and reminding myself to focus on what the job seeker is really saying.

What’s your definition of “intentionality”?

Photo by Marfis75

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