During his research Gottman has come to claim that there are four emotions/actions that are more damaging to relationship (in his case he was studying couples) than any others. He calls these the four horseman:

• defensiveness
• stonewalling
• criticism
• contempt

The most damaging he has found is contempt and he defines contempt as an action/emotion that belittles the person’s value. He has seen repeatedly cases where even in rational conversations with little apparent heat on the surface that the sender’s inner thoughts that their person is of lesser or little value are betrayed.

I should add that I don’t believe that these are  deal breaker emotions that will destroy a relationship as they may flare up in many circumstances of anger or they may be an inside joke for some people. Rather, they a sign posts that something is wrong and will be very destructive if repeated too often, with too much intensity or without proper balance from positive emotions (I’ve heard the ratio 5 positive emotions to every one of these negative ones balances things out in seminars before).

So what has this got to do with working with out customers/clients? Well, a relationship is a relationship and while our relationship with clients is not as intense or important as a relationship with our partners, the same issues can break down respect, trust and communication.

So why not take a minutes to think through your week:

• Did you have any of the 4 horseman emotions/actions toward someone (even for a short time)?
• How is that relationship going?
• Is it possible that where it’s not going so great it’s cause they have picked up on that emotion from you?

Picture by Rich Man

Relationships

Free will is essential for good relationships. Except in extreme cases, true connection, kindness, love, etc. between people can only be fostered and developed where the individual feels that they have a choice in the matter. Any other option may generate compliance, which at times may be necessary, but it will never develop a trusting and safe relationship. The question is whether or not compliance or trust is most needed at this point with any particular client.

Action

When free will is taken from an individual they may comply, faking the necessary actions at worst or, at best, completing the task begrudgingly. Even if the task was completed satisfactorily a person forced into action will not gain the benefit of an action, merely the result. As such, forcing an individual to make x number of phone calls will mean that they might make the phone calls but either do them badly or not learn from the actually process even if they do reap something beneficial from the results.

I must mention that I see following directions or instruction as different from forcing someone. When you have an individuals respect you can instruct them to make x number of phone calls and while they don’t like it they may still do it and do it with similar benefits of it being a free choice. The difference is when that respect, awareness of why, etc. is missing that it becomes forced and feels as though the free will is taken. I do also feel that at times compliance is necessary but it should not be the first attitude we aim to cultivate.

Rewards/Achievement

Rewards are enjoyed much more when the person freely chooses to participate. The individual can then take pride in their actions, can account to others about the effort they put in to gain the achievement or reward, can balance the equation of ‘effort=result’ that many of us are taught. Where an action is forced this is often taken away from an individual as they feel that they can’t take as much credit, if they do happen to be successful. They did the action but they haven’t participated mentally as deeply as someone who acted out of free will. Hence they can enjoy the achievement but can sometimes find it hard to claim the ‘effort=result’ equation as their effort and force of mind was probably moving in the opposite reaction.

Picture by Gisela Giardino

In a recent interview 2 scientists were discussing the extent and capability of the the human brain. The first had just completed a study of multi-tasking while the second discussed the scope of brain function.

Regarding multi-tasking the interviewed expert expressed how, while our society requires a higher degree of multi-tasking than ever before, humans were not adapting to this need. In fact, their performance of tasks practiced during multi-tasking deteriorated, even when asked to complete the task without distraction.

The second expert agreed that we are, at times, expecting too much from our brains for peak performance, stating that there is a threshold at which our brains function. He stated that if we were asked to square 324 it would take the full capacity for most people to accurately solve the equation. Of course, we all find some things harder than others but he was basically saying that the brain only has a limited amount of brain power it can push out just as house wiring can only take a certain amount of electricity. Different tasks will obviously tax different brains, different amounts but there is a limit.

• Have you noticed how mentally exhausted some candidates get after attending interviews or other tasks that are new to them?
• I wonder how many times clients have shut down simply cause it seemed there was too much to be done?
• How many times have I expected too much from a candidate simply because it was a task I could do easily (either through more practice or natural skill) and thus expected it to be an easy task for them as well?

Photo by Jean-Etienne Minh-Duy Poirrier

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