Hope & Practicality from Elisabeth - Elisabeth (Harney) Sanders-Park is co-author of No One Is Unemployable, The WorkNet Model and the WorkNet curriculum, and President of WorkNet Solutions.
So often, dynamics like fear, past damage and lack of self-esteem rear their heads in the job search and career development processes. When people begin to hope, re-envision their future, make changes or move forward, these dynamics can sabotage them. Let’s look at self-esteem. There are workshops, books, support groups and more on the topic. And perhaps some of them help. But our experience is that sustained self-esteem comes from within, and that getting people “pumped-up” emotionally or using techniques that only work when we are in the room is a misuse if time.
We have discovered that helping to build clients’ self-esteem is an on-going, every day practice that is more “reality check” than “hype session”. The truth is that no one lives as long as your clients have lived without doing or becoming something worthy of esteem (whether they’re 15 or 55). No one does what your candidates have done, survives what they have survived, thrives where they have thrived… without doing or becoming something worthy of esteem. Our greatest success in building client self-esteem occurs when we simply help them recognize who they already are and what they’ve already done that is worthy of esteem, and helping them see it, believe it, feel it, own it.
Granted, you may work with people who have made such terrible mistakes or are so resistant to the idea that they have value that it is difficult to find much to hold up to the light, but do it anyway. Sure, it’s easier to do a cheery group in which clients are lavished with compliments, positive accolades, and your high hopes for them, but that fades quickly and can leave people worse off than before, and it erodes your credibility. Our road to building self-esteem may be tougher and a bit longer. It does require you to get up-close, and you will likely have to respond to people’s self-loathing, which is often well-developed, well-articulated and doled out with great passion… but it’s worth it. If you can help them discover even a thing or two that is redeemable about them and worthy of esteem (and we all have it), and help them own it, guess what? No one can take it away from them, and it can become the small foundation on which they can dare to hope, lift their chin and look to the future, hear what you say, make a new choice, and so much more.
Here are a couple of practical techniques we use on groups and one-on-one to help people experience the reality that there is something about them, perhaps a whole lot about them that, is worthy of esteem:
Let Them Be Right. Avoid making people “wrong”. We’re all adults here, and this puts up walls that stunt the results we’re trying to achieve. Ask open-ended questions that allow for ideas or discussion. Avoid terms like wrong, bad, stupid, or incorrect, and try saying, “that’s one option”. Pull what is helpful and on-target from the answers you get, then gently re-direct the discussion toward the answer you are looking for. Reinforce the idea you want them to remember at the end of a discussion, just after a break, or at the end or start of a workshop.
Set Them Up To Be Successful. Discover what they are good at and have them do it often, whether in a group or as part of their individual investment in their own career development. This allows you to give honest praise. Make sure the investments they have chosen to take-on are things they can realistically get done. If they are failing to show-up, participate or complete their investments, look for and reduce fear, teach the needed skills, or have them take it in smaller steps.
Treat Them With Respect. It is amazing how healing it is to be in a place where people value your opinion, think you are smart enough to make decisions, treat you like an equal, and do the small things that make you feel like a valued customer, such as using your name, offering you coffee, smiling and shaking your hand in greeting, and introducing you to people who enter the room, etc. For people who have never been in the workforce, or felt like they were pushed-out, these small things can increase self-esteem, and gear-them up for the interview and world of work. And, of course, do not be disrespectful. Never ridicule or discount their decisions. Don’t say, or write in an email or file, anything you don’t want them to know. We have techniques for saying the hard things, but it is done with respect and in partnership with the client (see my article on Talking About the Tough Stuff, September 2007).
Allow Them To Be the Expert. We all have expertise in some area, so look for the helpful expertise they bring and can share. For example, someone may know a lot about where to get resources for cheap or free, a field or industry they used to work in, how to convince people on the phone, how conditions of parole work, etc. Have candidates share, and give them credit for what they offer to the group and program, and what they teach you. If you use their idea or shared it with someone else, mention it to them. Ask them to help other people in areas where they are strong. Ask their opinion. In front of a group, ask permission to use their good work as an example of “how it’s done”; even if they are too shy to give permission, they will be impressed with themselves because you asked.
Put It In Writing. A good Skills Resume that clearly proves the client can do the job is one of the best self-esteem tools around. Even if they have never held the job before, have wacky work history, have never had a paid job in the legal economy, or gained all their skills overseas or in prison… if they can do the job, and you prove it by listing true things about them that make them stand out in a crowd, they will feel good about themselves and their chances of getting hired (see my article Mining for Gold in the Dark, January 2007). By the way, a poorly written resume can reinforce a lack of self-esteem and make the job search longer and more painful. We help each client develop a resume to prove they can do the job they are pursuing, and over the years, many have been moved to tears of joy because they can hardly believe they are the person on the paper.
What we believe… The WorkNet Model is built on the assumption that there is value in each of us, because of two important truths. 1: Each of us is lovingly created by God in His image, and He placed in us the passions, talents, tendencies, and other raw material that would allow us, and only us, to become the unique person He envisioned as He put us together. We are each wonderfully made (Psalm 139) by a God who has a plan (Jeremiah 29:11). 2: God came down from eternity to pay ransom for us, giving up His life for ours… there’s no one greater, no farther distance to come, and no higher price to pay. The God of the universe decided that you, and I, and every person we have the honor of serving is worth it (John 3:16). When people see themselves in light of God’s love, it’s easy to see value and potential. It’s easy to have hope. You will not find scripture in our curriculum, but this understanding is innate to everything we do. For more, see our “Theology of Work”.
However you approach it, remember that self-esteem is something we bring out in people as they recognize the talent and value they have already proven they have. Keep in touch, and let me know how I can help.
Today I am thinking of thankfulness, thankfulness for the difficult clients I have worked with over years and for the important lessons they have taught me.
My early experience was serving difficult clients in a tough economy (shelter-dwelling welfare moms, in the recession of the early 1990s). In those years, out of need, I cultivated a mindset that is relentlessly hopeful, a practicality that gets results despite unemployment numbers, and proof that people with significant barriers can find good work even in a recession. I didn’t have the distraction of having worked with easier clients in easier times, so it was years before I realized the value of that time. You see, there are lessons we can learn and qualities we can develop ONLY through difficulty. Patience comes only when we are forced to wait, to put others before or above ourselves. Compassion is cultivated when we must deal with people who are in a place of weakness and need for what we offer. New perspective is gained once we step (or are forced) out of our own experience. My I am thankful for the patience, compassion and perspective I have gained from mentors in the form of my most difficult clients.
My dear friend and colleague Vicki says, “Difficult people are a gift to me. They allow me to learn and grow in ways I couldn’t otherwise; and often they are a mirror showing me the very tings I need to deal with in myself.” When asked to share the lessons they have learned from difficult clients, here is what some colleagues shared:
Maggie is thankful to have learned that, “We can’t pretend to have been in our client’s shoes if we haven’t, but we can meet them where they are and establish trust that overcomes the distance between our circumstances and histories,” when a client told her that he liked his career coach but couldn’t work with her because, “she has book learning, but she hasn’t walked in my shoes.”
Cori has developed the skill of not judging and staying aware that everyone has a different value system and different work needs, and that her role is to help people discover and articulate their values and needs so they can find a career they are passionate about. This was tested recently when she was told by a particularly bright and motivated, and very pushy, job seeker who claimed she ‘needed’ to make at least $45,000 a year so she could continue to eat organic food! Cori, who was supporting herself and her partner (who was in graduate school) on less than $40,000 a year, had to keep from judging.
Vikki believes that the toughest clients are those who don’t believe they deserve to dream again and therefore refuse to set a goal or pick a career field. A lot of prayer and listening to what may seem like inconsequential statements have led to her greatest breakthroughs. Feeding into client’s spiritual needs with the constant assurance that God still has a plan for their lives (to give them a hope and a future), allows that door to new vision to open wide once again. She has had at least one candidate in every group for whom the need for God’s love to be shown was the key to that door. She says, “I have been so blessed to be a part of that process.”
Mary Ann, who transitioned from a university career center to a community program, has learned to use your experience when it’s helpful, but to easily adapt if your approach isn’t working. She assumed the resume creation process would be routine, but quickly discovered that her new clients needed a patient, caring, and supportive environment to walk them through the entire process. She says, “I no longer simply ‘critique’ resumes or I have clients ‘fill in the blanks’ to write a resume. We work together to create the individual summary of their work experiences and goal for the future. My greatest hope is for that future to include a long, happy, and satisfying career for our clients.”
Deb has learned to identify transferable qualifications, not just “skills”. Max was a successful Lawyer, but his Paralegal who solely served their Spanish-speaking clients, got caught swindling hundreds of customers out of money. The Paralegal fled the country, and Max was held responsible. His law license was suspended until he repaid the money. Deb met him at a homeless shelter two months later. They looked at his transferable selling points. His greatest asset was his network, which had helped him build a large personal injury firm. He contacted any friendly competitor who would love to have his contacts, and proposed that they hire him in a non-licensed position and pay him a percentage of what he brought in. They got a trained Lawyer to do paralegal work, and within 6 months he had paid-off enough of the debt to get his license back.
Serving people with disabilities over the years, Steve has learned patience and creativity, and that building business relationships and joining local professional organizations is important. He once worked with a slow, but bright young man with Down Syndrome who wanted to file in an office. While they practiced interviewing, Steve found a Bank on the bus route and approached HR about his services and client. The young man interviewed, tested, and was offered a job as a File Clerk. To succeed, he simply needed a list of clear expectations each day. With support and positive encouragement, the he worked at the bank for over eight years.
Rebecca is thankful that she has learned to deal with client fear, and to trust the process even in the midst of great resistance. She served a female client who had never been employed, had been incarcerated for the last 20 years, and was resistant in every way possible. The client feared the whole concept of career coaching and getting a job. As Rebecca walked her through WorkNet’s career development journals and maintained constant communication, she started to trust the process. When the journals addressed fear, it brought up all that the client was feeling, but she kept showing up and doing what needed to be done. She is now a proud Server in a good restaurant and has been for the last 3 months. She is their newest Server, and the only one they kept when they did lay-offs. She is now able to live on her own, bought a reasonable vehicle, and is successfully off parole.
I am keenly aware that many of my most important lessons are the result of working with difficult clients. I am a better coach, consultant, and person because of what they have taught me. I can only hope that my effect on them has been as positive, profound and long-lasting as their effect on me.
This article appeared originally in the Career Planning & Adult Development Network Newsletter
